What is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is the intention to control another person via confusion. Gaslighting can be done through both external and covert behaviors that are confusing and inconsistent in a radical way. Three key signs often show in relationships that allow us to witness when gaslighting might be in effect.
Category Archives: counselling at clearheart in vancouver
The first of three signs of codependency is that you fantasize that the person you are with is a better version of themselves. The reality of who they are is considerably different from what you fantasize. Pretending that the person is better than they are is enabling. It is an early sign of more advanced denial. Denial is when, despite your thoughts and feelings, you act entirely counter to them and over some time. Recognizing your needs and feelings is essential to being in a healthy relationship. If ignored, it could be a red flag that you are in a co-dependent relationship.
By defining what a boundary is you can understand how boundaries are applicable within relationships. A boundary is a product of your own internal emotional navigation system. This navigational system makes it clear on what your preferences are, what you like and what you don’t like. It also lets you understand what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. A boundary is actually an internal navigation system where from listening to yourself you know what your needs are.
Blocks to intimacy are any patterns that we have which are often truly unbeknownst to us. In many cases, we do not even experience them until we enter an adult relationship.
Intimacy requires an enormous amount of vulnerability and trust. For most all of us, the combination of those can bring up a lot of fear. if we have a history of having experiences, where issues around security and trust have been impaired or shamed in some way then that tends to surface as repetitive patterns. These patterns will tend to display themselves when we attempt to get into an adult intimate relationship.
In short, that’s what an intimacy block is, they vary but their foundation is often from unresolved issues around trust, trauma or vulnerability from the past.
Being in a relationship can be one of the best experiences in the world. It is not just the intimacy that makes for a great experience; it is the understanding, commitment, and companionship. Even in the best of relationships though there will be disagreements and obstacles that occur. A relationship counselor can help you to make a good relationship better and improve an unhealthy one. The big misconception among people is that one should only consult a relationship counsellor when they are at the near end of a relationship. Instead, you can get help from a relationship counselor to prevent your relationship from going into a dangerous condition. Relationship counsellors that offer their services to people who are facing all sorts of problems in their relationships.
counselling at clearheart in vancouver, relationships, trauma
One Size Does Not Fit All in Couples Counselling
One of my clients recently recommended me to her friend, who was in need of a couple’s therapist. When asked about my therapeutic approach, unsure of how to respond my client in turn queried me, “what kind of therapy is this, anyway?” We had been working together for some time, and she had been openly appreciative of the process, as well as her progress along the way. Yet the idea of how that process or progress was facilitated – puzzled her.
Trauma is often misunderstood. Trauma is essentially any emotional experience that overwhelms our ability to process what is happening, at the time it is happening. The overwhelming event can be real or perceived.
Einstein said it best – “We cannot solve a problem by using same kind of thinking that we used when we created the problem”. Curiosity, rather than a fixed mental perspective, allows solutions and breakthroughs.
Getting curious is an intentional activity – next time you feel stuck, intentionally try to shift to a curious state. It may take practice at first to resist trying to fix or find solution.
“What would happen if I stopped reacting to your reactions?” a client recently wondered amidst yet another recycled argument with her partner.
This truly was a breakthrough, and a turning point that may well change the entire course of their future together. The question was arrived at both genuinely and spontaneously – as though a light switch was flipped. These are the kind of turning points that mark real and lasting change – I certainly have experienced many of these moments in my own relationship journey, and I’m thrilled when I witness them for others. At last, when we finally ask the right question, rather than continuing to try to discover change from an old perspective, shifts happen.
Intimate relationships challenge us to grow, to become more self-aware. At points it may seem as though differences, rather than similarities, between you and your partner surface more readily. The loving connection is replaced with discontent and irritability. During these crucial junctions it’s important to first ask yourself – what do I need?