Einstein said it best – “We cannot solve a problem by using same kind of thinking that we used when we created the problem”. Curiosity, rather than a fixed mental perspective, allows solutions and breakthroughs.
Getting curious is an intentional activity – next time you feel stuck, intentionally try to shift to a curious state. It may take practice at first to resist trying to fix or find solution.
“What would happen if I stopped reacting to your reactions?” a client recently wondered amidst yet another recycled argument with her partner.
This truly was a breakthrough, and a turning point that may well change the entire course of their future together. The question was arrived at both genuinely and spontaneously – as though a light switch was flipped. These are the kind of turning points that mark real and lasting change – I certainly have experienced many of these moments in my own relationship journey, and I’m thrilled when I witness them for others. At last, when we finally ask the right question, rather than continuing to try to discover change from an old perspective, shifts happen.
Intimate relationships challenge us to grow, to become more self-aware. At points it may seem as though differences, rather than similarities, between you and your partner surface more readily. The loving connection is replaced with discontent and irritability. During these crucial junctions it’s important to first ask yourself – what do I need?
Couples sometimes misidentify the need for validation with the need to be agreed with. Validation is invaluable – we deeply crave to feel heard, valued, and cared for in our relationships. Especially when we are upset or confused, validation is the foundation of any meaningful communication.
Commitment is often thought of as an event, rather than an ongoing process or practice. We make an overarching commitment such as living together, or getting married – yet there are many smaller commitments every day that determine the success of our relationship and personal happiness. Commitment is a process that evolves and changes over time – it’s more accurately thought of as a series of re-commitments, than as one big decision toward an outcome. Personally, I find this approach quite refreshing. If things go sideways in any area of my relationship, I look squarely at what happened and I re-commit to a new set of choices from where I am.